I had really thought that after my first 30 days of regular, consistent yoga I would have some sort of funny, brilliant, inspiring post to write. Something about how far I’ve come, how much I’ve learned, how awesome it is, the cool new poses I can do now…
This is not that post.
Rather than getting easier, it’s gotten harder. All of it. It’s harder to convince myself to get on the mat. It’s harder to focus and be present when I do. Heck, even some of the poses have gotten harder.
It’s frustrating. And so hard for me to deal with. I want this. I want to be there. So why can’t I just show up for myself?
A few days ago, I attended a public class. I ended up being the only student, so it was sort of a one-on-one session. It was great, and I got to explore some alternatives to poses that are challenging for me. At the end of class, this teacher always has her students take a moment to be mindful and thankful. After this session, she prompted me to thank myself just for showing up. Because it takes effort to get there. The decision to go, remembering my mat and s change of clothes, driving there, plus being truly present on the mat. It all takes effort, every little bit of it.
And there it is. It all takes effort. So, even though I could be thanking myself for putting in the effort, being grateful for everything I can do, I am instead treating it as something that requires more effort than I’m willing to give. That’s why I’ve been struggling so much to show up. It’s yet another thing I have to do. For me, it’s been something I have to do at the end of the day, when I’m already done and have spent so much energy and effort on other things. Instead of being a good thing, it’s become a chore.
I am so disappointed that this has happened. I knew it was possible in the beginning, so I tried to think of ways to avoid it. But either I haven’t stuck with those ways, or they aren’t working. So now I have to fix it (cue red flag in my head: more work!). I have no idea where to begin. Do yoga in the morning? I hate mornings. I can’t even get myself out of bed to have breakfast, what makes me think I will give myself enough time for yoga? Establish a routine/schedule? Great idea. Except nothing about my life is consistent enough for that to work.
I’m getting more frustrated just writing this! Must be time for some yoga…
Oh right. I’m at work. Bah.