Well, sort of. You see, I want to be my best. But if I don’t feel I can or will be, I don’t try at all. This is often a problem. It has hindered me in so many ways – fitness, creativity, productivity, blogging. The list goes on. If I don’t think whatever I produce will be the best possible, I don’t even try.
This isn’t always true, especially in learning a new skill. I expect there to be a learning curve – new skills always take a little more work. But once learned, that leeway no longer exists in my mind. For so much of my life, learned skills took no effort whatsoever. I never had to try in school – even the “hard” classes were easy. I never had to try to be productive, things always got done. My creative ideas were always successful.
Things are different now. After years of not being in school, years of just going through the motions, working to make enough money to pay the bills, and vegetating when not working, I have to try at pretty much everything. It’s exhausting. I want to be much healthier and more fit than I am, but god, the work that goes into that. The bridge between now and then is immense. Same goes for efforts at creating my own jewelry – I excel at following other people’s patterns, but coming up with my own is a paralyzing challenge. I don’t know if I can do it, so I don’t even try.
I’m held back by fear, as so many of us are. Knowing the demon should make it easier to fight. Not always the case, for me. Sometimes, out of sheer stubbornness, I say, “Yes, I am afraid of that. Still not gonna try.” Talk about depressing.
My inertia certainly doesn’t put me at my best, which is where I want to be. But when I am only now learning how to work at it, why working at it is even necessary, I am easily discouraged. I actually envy those of you who had to study hard and try to get through school. I’m pretty sure you learned a skill set that I simply don’t have. It’s very hard at this point to motivate myself to work on that skill set, but I have to. I’m so tired of not living up to my own expectations, even the small ones. Bit by bit, I will improve.
In the meantime, I’m worn out.